


i feel so lonely when i'm with me

by FrecklesOfTheSeasons



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depressed Seo Changbin, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad with a Happy Ending, Seo Changbin needs a hug, Seo Changbin-centric, but in the end it gets lovey dovey, changbin disassociates a lot, changlix is only implied for the majority of the fic, i tend to do that a lot oops, not eating disorders but disordered eating, so im sorry if it seems unrealistic but its my own symptoms, the teeniest fluff at the end, this is based off of real life experiences, why do i make changbin suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 15:01:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16767463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrecklesOfTheSeasons/pseuds/FrecklesOfTheSeasons
Summary: he doesn't know. but when practice is done, hyunjin doesn't come back to him, so he figures he's done okay. that, or hyunjin just doesn't want to talk to him.he's tired of you.changbin looks wearily around the car at everyone's awkward and tense expressions.they're tired of you.he looks at his own hands, still shaky.i'm tired of you.orchangbin writes lyrics about getting help, but doesn't ask for it himself, and it hurts him.





	i feel so lonely when i'm with me

changbin's heels are numb from pressing into the mattress where he's been seated for the past hour and a half. he stares blankly at the wall and rubs his tongue over the roof of his mouth. it's scratchy where he burnt it this morning on his coffee. his whole body aches and his eyelids are heavy but they won't seem to close. so he sits. and he waits. and then the thoughts come in. 

he bites his lips and tries not to cry while minho is sleeping across the room. he doesn't want to wake him up. changbin can't sleep. hasn't been able to for a while. and it's beginning to affect his performance in daily tasks. his rhythm is off, and he's clumsy where his hands and limbs feel numb. he drops the keys to the studio and his shoes and stumbles leaning down to pick them up. 

if anyone has noticed, they haven't said anything. felix tells him a knock knock joke. changbin wants to tell him that nobody's home right now. he sits on his bed while everyone is sleeping and he feels so far away. changbin isn't home. 

he tugs the blankets around him, but really he isn't cold. can't feel the cold if he tries. can't feel anything. 

sometimes changbin wishes he could cry, get it all out then and there. but he can't. so he stays awake, and he stays alone, and he stays lonely. he wishes someone would notice. but how can they, when he doesn't tell them? 

he's become distant and shut off and the lyrics don't flow anymore. his heart is heavy and there's a constant lump in his throat. he feels nauseous, always, and so he doesn't eat. he realizes, distantly, that maybe not eating contributes to the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

but changbin can't do anything about it, because changbin isn't home. he can only watch from far away as his husk of a body does the things commanded of it. like now, he watches his head fall into his hands, watches himself drown in these thoughts, these monsters that his mind has made up to torture him. 

he writes about mental health and pretends to be okay when he is anything but. everything feels wrong and when he tries to talk nothing comes out. he's lost and he's confused, and changbin is  _ scared.  _ he has his bandmates and his lyrics and they're meant to help but they don't. 

_ because you won't let them.  _

changbin wishes he could let them. instead, he drifts off, curled up in a ball under the covers, only to wake up periodically through the night. 

***

he wakes up to the blare of his alarm and minho's empty bed across from his. he fumbles around until he finds his phone and dismisses the alarm. then he pulls himself out of bed. he doesn't bother changing his clothes. they aren't dirty anyways. 

felix greets him with a bright smile and changbin can only grimace back. felix looks hurt and changbin curses himself for not being able to fake it well enough. 

“sorry lix,” he sighs. “‘m tired.” 

felix smiles at him again, softer. 

“it's okay hyung. you've been working hard lately.” 

changbin wants so badly to disagree, to say that no, he hasn't, he hasn't been able to get anything done, nothing is turning out right, jisung and chan have to do it all on their own now. he's dragging them down. but instead he forces his lips into a smile that doesn't feel right and pats felix on the head. 

he feels a little silly doing that. felix is at least an inch taller than him. but he's still the hyung, and he does have to keep up appearances. 

changbin makes his way into the kitchen and grabs a chipped bowl to pour his cereal into. cheerios, like always. he can't even taste it anymore, everything is bland and blank. he still shovels spoonful after spoonful into his mouth and blinks up at woojin as he enters the kitchen. 

“changbin,” he says, sleepily. “aren't you going to change your clothes?” 

now, changbin is very confused, because these clothes are fresh from the dryer, aren't they? 

“they aren't dirty, hyung.” he says innocently, eyes hazy with sleep. 

woojin stares at him and blinks a couple of times. 

“changbin,” he says, and changbin is listening. “you've been wearing those clothes for a week.” 

he blinks. what? but yesterday was laundry day, right? today is monday, right? 

it suddenly dawns on him that a lot more time has passed then he thought. his eyes widen.

“oh.” he says, and clears his throat, embarrassed. “oh, my mistake. i'll go change.” 

he hates his the words that come out of his mouth for being so stiff and formal and he hates himself even more for being so embarrassing. his face is red as he gets up to leave, jostling his bowl of cereal and spilling it everywhere. 

he can feel felix and woojin looking at him, and jisung peers around the corner with his glasses on to see what all the noise is about. 

milk is soaking through his sweatpants and dripping from the table onto the floor and he just stands there, like an idiot. 

“oh.” he says quietly, and reaches sluggishly for napkins to wipe the mess up with. his face burns under his bandmates’ eyes and he feels so  _ stupid _ , and then felix is next to him, helping him. he feels grateful, but mostly embarrassed. he doesn't even get to say thank you before felix says,

“it's okay hyung. we all have those days.” a tired grin stretching over his face. 

none of them talk about the fact that changbin has been having those days for a long time. 

instead, he finishes cleaning up and goes to change, and nobody says anything else. 

when he reaches his dresser, he pulls out a hoodie and another pair of sweats. his wardrobe these days has become increasingly more drab and dark, baggy clothes that cover everything. 

as he pulls the current hoodie off, he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. he's skinny and pale, his muscles barely straining to be seen. when did he lose so much weight? where did his muscles go? 

his jawline is so much sharper, face narrower. he touches it softly, confused, his hoodie left on the floor. who is he now? he doesn't recognize himself. 

he's still standing like that when minho comes in to get him a few minutes later for dance practice. 

“ogling yourself in the mirror as always, i see.” he teases. 

changbin's hand drops and he looks at his hyung's face. there's something in his eyes that changbin can't quite grasp, but it's close to worry. 

“you've lost a lot of weight.” minho says. “you should feel proud.” 

changbin doesn't feel proud. he feels ugly. he gives minho a half hearted smile and tugs the new hoodie and pants on. 

he's shaken, and it sticks with him all day. he finds himself too keen on watching his body in the mirrors during practice and he can't get the moves quite right. 

they pause for a break and hyunjin makes his way over to him. changbin swallows, prepared for the worst. he never wants to let hyunjin down. 

hyunjin plops down next to him on the floor. he raises an eyebrow at changbin. 

“you look absolutely terrified.” he says, and changbin thinks that he isn't far from the truth. “i'm going to be honest, hyung, you looked kinda sloppy today.” 

changbin schools his face into a neutral look and nods. he forces a sheepish grin onto his face. it looks out of place. 

“of course. ‘m sorry, jinnie, i'm just a little tired.” 

hyunjin stares at him blankly. 

“okay but that's the thing,” he says flatly. “we all are. you're the only one falling behind.” 

changbin lowers his gaze to the floor at the same time woojin hisses, “hyunjin!” 

he doesn't want to see the disappointment on his dongsaeng's face. so he nods again, swallowing. he can feel everyone watching him. 

“i understand.” he says slowly. “i'll try harder. sorry hyunjin.” 

the use of his friend's name being so stiff is grating even to his ears. he avoids eye contact and stands up, a little wobbly. 

“i'm going to go to the bathroom.” he says, putting on a fake smile. “i'll be right back. you guys can start without me.” 

there are some nods, but really, he can't meet anyone in the eye. he looks at the floor instead. as soon as he turns away, he can hear woojin whispering harshly at hyunjin and can't help but know it's about him. 

as he wobbles down the hallway, he wonders if he's finally going to cry. but then he enters the bathroom, and he looks at himself in the mirror, and he can't. he looks so hollow. he's all skin and bones. how had he not noticed? he brings his hands up to stare at them, only to realize that they're shaking wildly. his gaze moves back to the mirror, where he locks eyes with his reflection, and promptly falls to the ground. 

he's only out for a second, but it feels like hours. he opens his eyes and he's slumped on his knees with his hands on the floor, holding himself upright. he stands up immediately, and regrets it as another wave of dizziness washes over them. 

he washes his hands and leaves the bathroom in a hurry. he hopes he didn't take too long, but when he gets back to the practice room he sees they're just starting back up. he meets hyunjin's gaze and it's filled with what changbin thinks must be exasperation and so he averts his eyes and gets in formation. 

he tries extra hard after that. he resorts to not looking at the mirrors at all, only at the floor. he still doesn't recognize himself. where did the old changbin go? 

he doesn't know. but when practice is done, hyunjin doesn't come back to him, so he figures he's done okay. that, or hyunjin just doesn't want to talk to him. 

_ he's tired of you.  _

changbin looks wearily around the car at everyone's awkward and tense expressions. 

_ they're tired of you.  _

he looks at his own hands, still shaky. 

_ i'm tired of you.  _

***

they get back to the dorms and hyunjin is the first inside, claiming first use of the shower. changbin brings up the rear, stumbling up the steps. he feels disappointed in himself. he managed to anger hyunjin, of all people. hyunjin never gets mad. woojin holds him back from the others and smiles at him. 

“don't take it to heart.” he says, kindly, but his eyes look angry. “hyunjin is just tired.” 

changbin smiles, and it feels so  _ wrong _ . 

“it's okay.” he says. “i understand.” 

he leaves to his and minho's shared room, and pretends that he can't feel woojin's gaze heavy on his back. 

he opens the door, and stumbles towards his bed. he stands there, for a minute, dizzy, and tired. then he collapses onto his mattress. 

changbin is tired. he's so tired. but he can't sleep. he can't sleep because hyunjin is mad at him. he can't sleep because he's mad at himself. he can't sleep because he hates himself. and it eats away at him until there's nothing but a husk left. 

he waits until a few minutes after he hears hyunjin get out of the shower and then heaves himself up and trods sluggishly to his room. then he waits outside the door, shifting from foot to foot, trying to convince himself to knock. a great sigh sounds from inside the room and changbin startles. 

“would you just come in already, you're wearing holes in the floor.” it's hyunjin, of course. 

changbin cautiously opens the door, and is met with an aggravated huff. 

“no, jisung, you can't have my- oh.” he stops. “changbin. what are you doing here?” 

changbin chews on his lips and fiddles with the hem of his hoodie. 

“i was just-” he stutters. “i just thought you might be mad at me. i know i'm probably being stupid, but i wanted to say i'm sorry.” 

hyunjin is looking at him with something unreadable in his eyes. 

“you're not being stupid.” he says. “you're right, i am mad at you.” 

changbin jolts, eyes flying up to hyunjin's face and widening.

“hyung!” hyunjin laughs. “i'm joking. i'm not mad at you. we're all just tired right now.” 

changbin forces a laugh, but he doesn't find it funny. a small wave of relief settles in his chest, though. 

“seriously, hyung, you should've seen your face.” 

_ i have.  _ he thinks bitterly.  _ so much has changed.  _

he's leaving the room when he bumps into felix, who happens to be waiting outside. his face is worried, lips red like he's been biting them. changbin admittedly stares a little too long. 

“hyung.” felix says. “are you alright?” 

changbin knows the tricks to these questions. the trick is to never say “i'm fine”. so changbin nods and puts on what he thinks is a convincing smile and says, 

“yes, of course. i'm alright, felix-ah.” 

felix sags in relief and tackles him with a hug. 

“i missed you.” he says. 

changbin is confused. 

“what do you mean?” he asks, arms coming around to hug felix back. “i haven't gone anywhere.” 

felix just shakes his head, so changbin drops the subject. 

he doesn't stop thinking about it though. 

*** 

it's at dinner when things start to go badly again. changbin takes one look at his plate and decides that he can't eat. he feels far too nauseous and so he shoves his food around on his plate and feeds some to his dongsaengs and hopes it's enough.

he stands up and goes to wash his dish when he hears woojin call out to him. 

“changbin?” he turns around, plate in his hands, feeling caught. 

“yes?” 

woojin blinks at him. 

“did you eat enough?”

his whole life, changbin has been taught not to lie. 

“yes hyung.” 

the look that crosses woojin's face is that of pure disappointment and changbin wants to hide because he knows woojin knows. 

“i'm not feeling well, so i'm going to go to sleep early.” he says guiltily, shifting around. 

woojin stares at him and so does everyone else and then finally woojin nods. changbin sags in relief and immediately heads to his room. he said he'll go to sleep early, but he knows he won't get any sleep at all. 

he lays in his bed with the lights off for a few minutes before he hears murmuring outside his door. he lifts his head. 

“yes? come in.” there's quiet, and then the door opens. 

chan and woojin come in, one after the other, shutting the door behind them. changbin gulps. he'd thought he'd gotten away with dinner. 

“changbin,” chan says, taking a seat on minho's bed. woojin follows. “do you know why we're here?” 

_ yes.  _

“no.” he says, and it sounds innocent to his ears. 

chan sighs and looks over at woojin. 

“you've been worrying us.” he says, eyes on changbin again. 

“sorry, hyungs.” changbin feels very, very small right now. his hands grip his blankets anxiously. 

“you don't need to apologize, just-” woojin cuts in. “just know that you can talk to us. about anything.” 

changbin stiffens. now is his chance to tell someone. but a fake smile crosses his face easier than telling the truth. 

“but hyung,” he says. “what is there to talk about?” 

woojin looks about a second away from tears. chan looks exhausted. 

“i'm okay, hyungs.” he says, overly cheery. “worry about the comeback, not me.” 

they stare at him and then chan gets up to hug him. it should be nice, but changbin just feels suffocated. 

_ i'm lying to you, i'm lying to you!  _ he wants to scream. he doesn't. he keeps that fake smile plastered onto his face until they've left the room. 

then it falls. and he falls. he falls onto his bed, and he stares blankly at the ceiling. he hates lying. so why is he doing it so much lately? 

he lays awake long after minho has come to bed and fallen asleep. only then does the faintest sob slip out of his mouth. it's quiet right away because changbin bites his lips, and he's not even crying, so why-? he's not even crying, so why are his eyes wet? 

he lifts himself off of his bed and tiptoes to the door. he isn't thinking. he's only following his instincts. he shuts the door behind him and sets off down the hall. past the hyungs’ room, to the right- he opens the door, and sees felix's sleepy face. he looks so peaceful when he's sleeping. changbin chokes back a sob and steps inside the room. he closes the door and makes his way over to felix's bed. 

“felix.” he whispers, hiccupping. “lix-ah.” 

felix groans a little and opens his eyes. 

“binnie hyung?” he asks sleepily. 

changbin sniffles. 

“can i-” another little sob. felix's eyes are wide open at this point. “can i sleep with you tonight?” 

and felix is scooting over, lifting the blanket, saying, “of course” in a sleep hoarse voice. changbin crawls in, and he lays there with his arms at his sides, trying to hold back his tears and sniffles. 

felix is quick to cuddle him, to wrap his arms around him and kiss his head. changbin should feel lovestruck, but really he just feels sad. 

“what's wrong, bin?” felix coos, and changbin breaks. he turns to bury his face into felix's shirt and cries. there's so much tears and sobbing and changbin can't understand anything he's saying, only registering that he's probably waking the others up too. 

sure enough, the door swings open slowly, and the lights flick on, and changbin wants them  _ off, _ he wants to hide. someone comes to hold him from behind and it's most likely jisung but he just can't bring himself to care. the bed creaks and shifts as everyone climbs on and then chan's whispering to him, 

“it's alright, binnie, it's okay. let it all out, we're here.” 

changbin lifts his head from felix's chest to look felix in the eyes and the words from earlier ring in his head. 

_ what's wrong, bin? _

_ you can talk to us about anything.  _

he sobs, and then he wails. 

“i'm not okay!” 

he's not okay, he's broken. and he can't hear anything but his own choked cries, all words of comfort drowned out by the pain enveloping his whole body and he can't breathe. 

then there are soothing circles rubbing into his back and the press of something soft against his forehead. he sniffles and buries his face deeper into felix's chest, where his shirt is wet with tears. 

“i know,” felix says softly. “i know. we'll get there. but for now, can you breathe for me?” 

changbin sucks in a lungful of air and felix runs his fingers through his hair. he can feel chan's hand on his shoulder, massaging it, and the warmth of the others surrounding him. 

“that's it.” felix breathes out. “just like that. in and out, binnie.” 

within a few minutes he can breathe normally again, although he's still crying. he feels so tired. tired and warm and cared for. 

“goodnight bin. we love you.” 

and darkness envelops him, and changbin feels loved. 

***

he wakes the next morning to felix's face in front of his, eyes open. his freckles are right there, and changbin could count them if he wanted to, but instead he loses himself staring sleepily into felix's eyes. 

“good morning.” felix whispers, and changbin comes to realize his surroundings and the other members all piled on top of them. he remembers last night. 

“good morning.” he murmurs back, shy. 

they keep staring at each other. 

“listen,” changbin says weakly, and a little mortified. “i'm sorry about last night. it was just a moment of weakness.” 

felix smiles at him sadly. 

“it's okay to feel weak sometimes, hyung,” he says. “but i don't think that was a moment of weakness. i think it was a moment of strength.” 

changbin gapes at him. 

“you're so strong, hyung.” felix continues. “you might not realize it, but you are. coming to us for support must have been so hard. i'm so proud of you for pushing through for us.” 

tears well up in changbin's eyes. 

“i'm so proud of you, hyung.” 

changbin reaches towards the nape of felix's neck and pulls him in for a gentle kiss. he's crying, and it tastes salty on his lips, but it's felix and it makes him happy. felix only pulls away to look at changbin and smile, wiping away his tears. 

“why are you crying?” he asks. 

changbin doesn't know. 

“i love you,” he blurts out instead. “i lo- all of you, i love all of you.” 

but felix understands. he smiles knowingly and leans forward to kiss changbin again. 

“i love you too.” 

changbin closes his eyes, only to open them when he hears a coo from nearby. everyone is awake and watching them. he flushes red, embarrassed beyond belief. 

minho is grinning at him and wiggling his eyebrows, no doubt the source of the teasing noise. changbin kicks a foot vaguely in his direction and accidently knees hyunjin's thigh in the process, who in turn groans in pain and jerks forward, knocking his head into seungmin's. 

“ow!” 

“hyunjin!”

“what, it wasn't my fault!” 

changbin smiles sleepily. 

“changbinnie.” chan says softly. 

changbin looks up at him. 

“we love you too.” 

changbin closes his eyes. he knows. 

***

changbin gets a therapist. he's anxious about it, and has to have felix come in with him the first couple of times. the two are inseparable now, always being caught holding hands or cuddling on one of their beds. changbin sneaks into felix's room at night when he can't sleep. 

and he talks to them about what he's feeling. he knows now that they support him, that they want to know and that they care. that they love him. 

for the first time in a while, changbin feels okay. 

it's their day off, and felix has taken him out for ice cream. they're eating it in comfortable silence when felix's hand comes up to changbin's face. 

“you have a little,” he says, as if he's asking permission. changbin leans forward and felix wipes the drop of ice cream away. 

and doesn't move. they stare at each other again, changbin with wide eyes. this time, felix is the first to move in. 

they kiss on a park bench where anyone could see them. changbin doesn't care. felix tastes like chocolate ice cream and changbin is addicted. 

when they pull apart, he doesn't hesitate to say it. 

“i love you.” he announces, and although he feels shy, his voice is clear. “only you, i love you.” 

felix gives him that same knowing smile and kisses his nose lightly. 

“i know.”

**Author's Note:**

> yo. nori here. 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this!   
> the title is actually a lyric from RM of bts's song uhgood  
> anyway i hope y'all know you can always talk to me about anything  
> like if you're going through anything similar  
> i get it
> 
> my twitter is @zinniachild and my tumblr is gay-but-woah
> 
> come scream at me, i enjoy it


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